There's just something about that name

I got to sing my favorite song today!  And I know I can do that anytime on my own and I often do but I do love to hear the sound of others singing along with me.  I serve a risen Savior.  His name is Jesus.  And there's just something about that name!  Gives me chills!

I also sang Because He Lives today.  Naturally fitting for an Easter service but dear to me...When it was time for the lyrics, "How sweet to hold a newborn baby..." I was reminded that Jesus holds all my children in His hands and has the privilege of holding one that I have yet to hold.

And one day, on that Glorious day, when my faith shall be my sight I will know as I have been known.  Myself and all those who have called on Jesus as their Savior will stand before a Holy God and be seen as a spotless bride.  The Bride of Christ. 

Only He can make it so.

Casting Crowns says it beautifully in their song, Wedding Day!

Songwriters: HERMS, BERNIE / HALL, JOHN MARK / WEST, MATTHEW JOSEPH

[VERSE 1:]

There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bride groom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white
And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white, head to toe
But only he could make it so

[CHORUS:]

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
And says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you've longed to see
Is written on his face
When love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day
On that wedding day

[VERSE 2:]

She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

[BRIDGE:]

When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign

 

On that wedding day

Typical

Word for the day:  oxymoron

Examples:  jumbo shrimp
                 fairly obvious
                 typical homeschool

Wide range of homeschooling curriculum and methods aside, we don't even have one homeschooling day that is typical!  The only thing I would dare say is typical in a homeschool day for us is that we all eat something, we all wear something, we all sin, we love each other, we all do chores, and we all take care of my grandma and her husband.  Hopefully, we all learn something but I'm okay if it's not always our multiplication tables...

Here's today so far:

Breakfast

Chores

Bible & Prayer

Today's "school" started late for us because there was a heart issue, a character flaw to be dealt with.  Not ignored.  Not swept under the rug.  Not rushed because teaching my children to compose a grammatically correct sentence takes precedence over my calling as a Christian mother.

Piano for one while others' hearts are corrected, mended and connected

Math

Writing  (during which I was constantly trying to distract my toddler who seems to want to stand on Isabelle's school desk)
 
Break from "work" because my 7yr old asked if she could comfort my cranky 19 month old, suffering from the 4 painfully stubborn molars she's cutting.  Charlotte gathered blankets, baby dolls and her baby sister up into the chair and rocked and sang.  I didn't think of getting the camera out until Madelynn was doing much better and Charlotte had a sense of satisfaction that she had cheered Madelynn up.

Nothing better than sisters snuggling and comforting one another!!

Deciding what book to read is a challenge for my Isabelle!

Yes, she's wearing completely different striped pants & shirt...fashion is not part of our daily curriculum!

Lunch for the 6 of us here (I managed to eat today with minimal interruption which is anything but typical!)

Art and creative play in the clubhouse

Ahhh, imagination and the great outdoors (a.k.a. Narnia around here)

Hopefully, Madelynn's nap time is next and I'll read some history as well as a biography to the big girls!

I don't know what the rest of this day holds, much less tomorrow.  Lord willing, we'll start tomorrow together...as I'm learning that words like typical don't apply to us.  You know what?  That's okay!  I'm not a homeschooling mama to make sure that my children can pass tests and recite facts (although there is a place for such).  I'm at home trying to train my children up in the love and admonition of the Lord and spur them on towards the individual bent God has given them.  If they happen to learn what the quadratic formula is or how to do a proper scientific experiment along the way, great!

Significance

Today is March 15th.  Do you have one of those dates that always sticks in your mind as significant?  15th's seem to big for some reason.  My husband had emergency surgery on the 15th of a month.  My Gma and her husband moved into our house on a 15th.  But March 15th, in particular, is quite significant! 

8 yrs ago my phone rang and I had one of those gut-feelings that something was wrong.  See, my Pop had passed away.  I was 8 months pregnant with Charlotte.  I could tell you exactly what I was wearing and where I was and how I reacted.  It's been 8 years but it feels like yesterday.  Pop was, well, a rock for me.  He would get on the floor with his grandchildren.  He would swing them in his arms.  He loved my Granny fiercely.  He loved his family fiercely.  He was kind.  He was gentle.  And I know he prayed for me when I was wandering from God's best for me.  He would light up when family was around.  He would always give a proper send-off when family departed.  He always walked outside to wave goodbye when anyone was leaving.  He would stand in the driveway and wave until we were gone.  It was his thing.  I. miss. it. like. crazy.  So on March 15th, 2005 I "waved" goodbye to Pop as he departed this world and entered eternity with Jesus.  Grief and joy at the same time.

2 years ago I had the opportunity to stand in my driveway and wave goodbye to some dear friends in Pop-like fashion as they ended their journey in Georgia to start a new one in Panama City, Panama.  Tony, Lisa and the Amstutz C crew have a very significant place in my heart.  We were enriched by their presence and blessed by their brotherly love.  Grief and joy at the same time.

I rejoice that Pop is with his Savior.  I rejoice that my friends are where God would have them be, growing together in the Lord.

I also waved my sister out of my driveway today while pondering all of these things.  And any day I see my sister is significant.  ;-)

My Pop

I hope you will praise the Lord for His significant involvement in your life.  Whether you're in a time of grief or joy or even both at the same time, God is worthy of all our praise!

More Please!

My husband started a game of hangman with our almost 8 yr old, Charlotte.  He used a Bible verse from Mark.  After filling in all the blanks and revealing Dad's verse, it was Charlotte's turn.  She carefully drew her blank lines and let her Daddy know it was time for him to start guessing letters.  Since this game of hangman was going to last on into the church service I wanted to stop it...I'm glad I didn't (think of me what you will).  I, myself, like to doodle and draw while listening.  It occupies my brain so that I can listen.  Anyway, I don't ever know what will come out of my sweet Charlotte's heart and I do know that a game like hangman might be her outlet to share something...

"I want more relationship with God."  "Please!"

Precious.  Honest.  Charlotte is hungry.  She recognizes that she needs more.  

Oh, what the Lord has reveled to me through these cherished children I have. Parenting brings me to my knees for many reasons.  Both my husband's and my Charlotte's knees shared a space together at the altar today as the fragrance of their plea filled the Throne room.  

All I want for my children is that they love the Lord with all they are.  The rest will fall into place.

God, please draw near to Charlotte and show her more of You.  Keep us all desperate for more.  Please! 

Crazy budgeting

Several months ago I took over handling affairs for my grandmother and her husband.  This meant I got to make a budget complete with color-coded spreadsheet!!  Fun!  No, really.  Fun!  Making their budget seemed like a breeze because they have a fixed income.  They receive the same amount every month.  Now, this may be the norm for a lot of people but not for my family.  Owning our own business means a variable income (which I'm not complaining about, it just has its challenges).  By variable for us I don't mean a base amount with occasional lows and highs.  I mean that during any given week there could be barely enough income to fill up a gas tank or enough to pay our mortgage+.  We have experienced feast or famine many times (again, not complaining, just sharing some history).  Now, let me explain famine in the sense that we haven't always been sure everything could get paid or that we could buy food but we have never gone hungry or without most of what we want for that matter.

Before you go thinking that I'm longing for the "greener pastures" of a steady paycheck I will tell you that I have seen my God move mountains to give us our daily bread.   There is a pure beauty in being brought humbly to your knees before God Almighty because you recognize your need for Him and that you can do nothing without Him.  Knowing things are out of your control is very different from saying they are but yet acting as though they aren't.   I'm a bit of a control freak so I need God to remind me that I need Him.

Anyway, our budget is not what I would consider a typical budget.  I don't know what's coming in.  I know what is going out and that means we need our "coming in" to be equal to or greater than our "going out".  We keep our bills to a minimum (this means we don't have texting as part of our cell phone plan, much to my sister's dismay!) And we avoid debt like the plague, having no current debt except our mortgage.  In the last 7 years or so all our bills have been paid and we've had food to eat and vehicles to drive (which is totally a God-thing itself) but no regular means of savings.  I know, I know, savings is important.  And I know that we could eat rice and beans every night and live in the dark and sweat to death in the summer and never eat at Chick-fil-A but doing all of that just to save $1000 a year wouldn't be worth it to me.  There has to be a balance between raemen noodles and providing fresh, healthy food for my family and also between sweating to save on the utility bill and keeping the air conditioner set on 65 (which is what I would love to do!).  Some nights are grilled cheese and raemen noodles and our summer thermostat is set on 75 during the day.   Balance and sanity are important!

We have 4 set bills and a utility bill that fluctuates.  Everything else including groceries, gas, fun, books, etc gets squeezed out of what is left.  As I'm typing this, I'm just smiling, thinking of how faithful and wonderful God has always been to me!!  It makes me want to be obedient to Him.  I want to please Him in my family's financial stewardship.  He has blown my mind with His provision for us!  He likes to surprise me!  :)  And never ceases to amaze me!

Recently, we payed our 4 set bills and our utility bill and groceries, etc but something rare happened.  There was still money in the checkbook after I payed the mortgage.  This must be a math error, I thought.  Nope.  This is weird!  It got me to pondering...in our feast or famine income, I tend to want to hang on to anything left for the next famine.  This phenomenon may never occur again but I felt like it was time to have a money discussion with my husband.  We had the perfect time to do such on a weekend away.  "What if this happens month after month?", I asked Bruce.  "We have to come up with a plan!"  (see the control freak, planner in me coming out?)   We have often discussed the sadness of simply making more just to spend more.  But it's an easy place to end up.  I don't want to spend it just cause we're making it.  We want to have purpose in what we're spending on or saving for.  We are on the same page with what that looks like.  We have a plan!!  God may change it according to His plan but that's okay.  His plans are always better!    If the Lord needs to change our plans to get me closer to Him, I don't care what our income is.  I'm actually scared that too much income would cause me to forget who actually provides our daily bread.  It's not us.  We don't deserve it.  I don't care how many hours, classes, licenses, hard work or the like are to our names.   It's all by His hand, not ours.  We are to be good stewards of our time, talents, skills, time and money. We are here to bring Him glory and make His name known. 

Purpose in what is spent.  Purpose in what is saved.  My heart's desire is to please my Lord in both!

P.S. - and sometimes God provides ahead of time for broken washing machines, new car batteries, and gas to drive 1600 miles.  No coincidence that my Bible study this week is on Jehovah Jireh!!  I love my Provider!

Finally!!

My husband and I recently celebrated our 10th anniversary!!  We finally were able to plan our first  getaway since our honeymoon.  A long time coming!  I wasn't sure it was going to happen.  Given that my grandmother and her husband live with us, we have 3 girls to care for, and an almost non-existent budget for fun, odds were against us.  But we came up with a plan:  My parents could come and stay with the young and the old (and the dog).  Dear friends agreed to let us use their lake house.  I used coupons for our gourmet pizza rolls and Voila meals!  Plans came together.  Plans were threatened.  After suffering a miscarriage on January 31st, the day before our anniversary, I wondered if my heart could truly celebrate.  And days before our getaway a stomach bug hit our house hard.  The stomach bug won 5:2.  I gave up and didn't think we were going to be able to go and then...God!  (and my wonderful parents who are now, unfortunately, sick)

3 nights.
3 wonderful mornings with no alarm clocks.
Quiet.
Rest.
 A retreat for my soul.  For my marriage.

A serene view but too cold to sit on the porch!

Boiled Peanuts!  (home grown peanuts)

How I kept my coffee nice and warm!  ;-)

We played Upwords.  I won!!  I'm not bragging, just stating the facts!  ;-)

More food.  Gift card = yummy dinner at Outback

We splurged for the onion!

Time to study and read and think!!!

We weren't far from my sister's so we went to see Kasen!  (oh, my sister was there too)

Pizza rolls by candlelight is kind of our momentous occasion meal.

All cleaned up and ready to go home!

Bye lake!  Until we meet again...

Ready to head home!

The welcoming committee!!!

Anybody with young children knows that an uninterrupted conversation is a rare event so to be able to share a complete thought with my hubby was fabulous.  We talked a lot about our future, our goals, our dream of having a farm and our budget.  We also enjoyed our silence.  I love the sounds of reality that welcomed us home and I cherish the time I had to be still and quiet. 

I cannot say enough about how amazing our weekend was.  Thank you, Mom and Dad!!  for taking care of everyone and braving the germs.  ;-)

Mustard Seed

Today was my first Sunday going to church since suffering a miscarriage.  Sitting on the pew during the service, I was bodily present but that was all I could bring.  Just a warm body.  A warm body grateful to be there but having nothing of depth to offer.  Emotionally detached to avoid weeping.  Present to avoid isolation.  And then...

I noticed Isabelle writing on a piece of paper which is not unusual.  When I realized she had been writing for quite some time I glanced at her paper and the moment I read her words I was catapulted into emotional reality.  She was writing prayer requests on the form that can be placed into the offering plate to then be prayed over by church staff.  

She, with childlike faith, listed petitions close to her heart.

Names of family that don't know Jesus
Aunt Tiffany's migraines
Her desire to find her lost Bible
She also declared that she was a Christian

Precious.  Just precious.

I often feel silly when sending petitions of my own to others.  I have over analyzed my neediness and allowed that to play into what I've asked others to pray for.  For a moment, today, I wondered if allowing Isabelle to place her requests in the offering plate was silly.  Not Isabelle.  Without abandon, she sought to ask if anyone would join her in placing her petitions before the Throne of Grace.  That moment passed, and so did the offering plate carrying my girl's requests on to any prayer warrior willing to bend a knee.  

"...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."  Matthew 18:5

Jesus

I wish I had a copy of it.  In her words.  In her handwriting (which is atrocious; I blame her teacher...LOL).  But she humbly wanted to share her prayer needs with people offering to pray over them, so my mental picture and memory is what I have to remind me to have the faith of a child, a child of the Living God.

I'm complicated

I'm complicated.  Just ask my husband.  Not high-maintenance (I don't like that term), just complicated.  When I take the Love Language test to determine my love language, I have 3 that tie...see, complicated.

I heard a sermon this morning.  It was how to deal with loss.  The pastor described the 5 stages of grief. 

1. Shock & denial
2. Sadness
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance & hope

Interesting that I would hear this sermon while grieving.  What is complicated is that I feel that I can be at any or all of these stages at once.   But I'm clinging to the hope when the other stages threaten to go beyond what is helpful.  These stages.  My feelings.  They are natural.  They are biblical.  As long as the first 4 do not reign in my heart forever.

Scientists have studied tears.  Emotional tears release toxins from the body.  So, I'm getting rid of lots of toxins. 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  

When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food day and night

I will yet praise him

Psalm 42:2,3,5

When reality does not interest me at all, I will call on the Lord and feed on His word.

By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me-

a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 42:8

My Jesus is walking me through this.  He has sent me many hugs, helping hands, and encouraging words.

The LORD is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation.

 Psalm 118:14

My emotions are raw.  My heart is broken.  I'm a complicated mess. 

But, I know the One who has come to bind the brokenhearted!  I know the One who will comfort all who mourn.  He holds the oil of gladness and He is the best at making beauty from ashes.  How very dear to me that my Savior quoted these promises about Himself to those in the synagogue and told those listening that they were seeing scripture fulfilled before their very eyes.  (See Isaiah 61 and Luke 4:14-21)  How awesome!  The very Word of God made flesh reading the Word of God.  That gives me chills, comfort and joy!  

Hope.  I'm clinging to Him.

Loved & Redeemed

The story of my life's redemption was written before the foundation of the world.  My Redeemer chose this time and place for my life to be part of His story. 

Growing up the daughter of a minister I was, naturally, in church and around Christians all the time.  Oh how I loved going to work with my Daddy.  I knew the nooks and crannies of various church buildings.  I heard the Bible preached every week.  At the age of 7 I went forward with several other kids during children's church to be "saved".  Now, what I do know is that the Lord called on me at the age of 13 and I answered His call and I called on Him as my Savior.  My excitement for Jesus and mission work was palpable.  I can recall His Spirit speaking to me so often.  And then, slowly, I turned away.  Life happened.  Deep wounds.  Doubt.  Confusion.  Anger.  I was not prepared for anything difficult.  My foundation was Christ but everything I placed on top of that foundation was shifting sand.

Hurt and pouting, I did what I wanted to with my life from 18 to my mid twenties.  Please understand this.  I knowingly and willingly sinned, all the while knowing I was grieving the Holy Spirit who had sealed me until the day of redemption.  I am the chief of sinners.  I don't have a testimony of what God delivered me out of before I knew Him.  I am the testimony of what God can redeem when His child becomes the prodigal.  I have cheapened the cost of His love for me.  If you have ever experienced the Lord watching and waiting and then running to you when you return from a sinful journey then you know how faithful He is.

At the age of 22, living in Kentucky, I met Bruce.  He was a good man.  He loved me.  I loved him.  He wanted to marry me.  I wanted to marry him.  We met in June, started dating in July, engaged in November and married the 1st of February!!  Wow!  Bought a house in April and during the move discovered we were expecting our first child.  Isabelle made her entrance into this world in December.  16 months later, we welcomed our second daughter, Charlotte into our home.  When we married, Bruce was not a Christian.  Good man?  Yes.  Christian?  No.  Was I knowingly unequally yoked?  Yes.  Did God have a plan for redeeming my life and the life of the man I love?  Oh, yes!

Because God blessed us with children very early in our marriage, I started thinking...I know that this faith that I have, this faith that is weak, but real, is something I want to pass down to my children.  I was just hoping Bruce would be on board.  I began desiring to be around Christians again (see, when you're not walking with the Lord you usually don't want to hang out with those that are) and Bruce was interested in going to church.  My stubborn and wounded heart began to seek the Lord.  My Jesus.  My sweet Jesus called on Bruce's heart while Charlotte was in my womb.  Bruce accepted and was baptized when Charlotte was 3 weeks old.  Talk about a time of rejoicing.  Bruce began reading God's word.   His appetite for God's word grew and Bruce had a childlike wonder and faith at the things he was reading.  Bruce's fresh hunger for God brought to life all those Sunday school and children's sermons I had heard as a child.  I was looking at God's word through new eyes and with a renewed heart.  Wow, God is awesome!  What I messed up, He redeemed.

Slowly, forgiveness came and my faith grew even while being tested.  Oh, God, why did I ever turn away from You?  How foolish of me.  How faithful of You!

Not only did God rejoice over me returning to Him, He didn't stop there.  He blessed me.  He blessed my husband.  You should know that I could be on my face before the Lord every day thanking and praising Him for the marriage He has blessed Bruce and I with.  God designed marriage to be a picture of Christ's love for the church.  This picture is beautifully painted, flaws and all, in my life.  My husband loves me no matter what I have done.  He has a servant's heart.  He has willingly sacrificed for his family and continues to do so.  I remember a time when I asked Bruce to forgive me for something I had said and Bruce looked at me and said, "I already have.  I forgave you before you said it."   He meant it.  He just loves me.  I love him.  What I adore most is Christ in and through him.  Bruce will tell you that if any good comes from him, it's got to be God. I'm thankful that I get to, undeservingly, experience that love every day.  I'm also thankful that I get to see my husband grow in the Lord and display Christ to his family, friends and community.

I am loved and redeemed.  Thank you, Jesus!

Happy 10th anniversary Bruce!  I'm glad God brought us together.  I love you!

Seasons and Timing

This is a picture of a tree in our yard...in January!

My body feels a little like this tree.  Confused and out of season.

This tree is preparing for new life before its time.

My body, my heart and my family were preparing to welcome new life into our family.  Sadly, winter is not over.  The knitting together in my womb will not continue long enough for me to labor to hold.  My Creator knows what is best for His creation and His created and their seasons.

It is not the season for new growth for the tree.  It is not the season for our family to grow.

In this time of loss, there is much pain.  Pain reminds me that this world is not my home.  One day I will be with my Jesus and with this precious life gone on before me.

Until then, I find comfort in knowing that I am not on this journey alone.  I am thankful for my family and friends.  I am thankful for the prayers and actions of others showing love and support.  I am thankful that in there being a time for everything, there is a time to mourn.  My soul is mourning but I know there will come a time to dance...
in another season...
in God's perfect timing.

The cost

I'm in a place of deep thought with the Lord.  You know those times when something that God is working on in your heart seems to come up everywhere?  I am currently taking a discipleship Bible study at church while simultaneously reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship.  So many words from Bonhoeffer's book are resonating in my soul.  I have much to ponder.  The cost of grace.  Christians love to talk of God's love and grace and how God loves to lavish us in His grace.  Now, I believe that He does.  But...that grace that God gives us cost Him everything.  Bonhoeffer says:

Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, communion without confession, absolution without personal confession.  Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.  Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all that he has...Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow...Jesus Christ.  What has cost God much cannot be cheap for us.  Above all, it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life, but delivered him up for us.  Costly grace is the Incarnation of God.

Am I really willing to pay any price to follow Christ?  I don't know for sure...  Does God's lavish grace mean that I should be comfortable all the time?  Certainly not.  Through difficulties I can have abundance and I can have joy.  I can have peace that passes understanding.  If my peace must be beyond comprehension, then it seems that the peace within my soul will not always make sense to others. For it is just for my soul from His Spirit.  More from Bonhoeffer:

The cross is laid on every Christian.  The first Christ-suffering which every man must experience is the call to abandon the attachments of this world.  The cross is not the terrible end to an otherwise god-fearing and happy life, but it meets us at the beginning of our communion with Christ.  

When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.

The sermon this morning talked of cheapening God's grace.  The special music was about becoming stronger in our weakness.  Asking for God to show up in our suffering...even asking Him to bring us to a place of weakness and suffering so that we can be stronger in Him.  When my life feels stormy and painful what I need more than calmer water is, simply, Jesus.  What I need when following Christ seems too costly is to remember the cost my Savior paid for me. I have been looking for the Stronger for It song lyrics but cannot find them online.    Please listen to this song.  

Respite

My family was at church for the children's choir Christmas program.  Bruce and I were settling down in the balcony to enjoy the presentation.  We were playing with our new video camera that we are sooooo excited to have now!!  There was commotion below and several friends were waving at us and indicating for us to come downstairs.  My heart sank on the way to the stairwell because I thought something had happened to one of my children...  Dear friends met us in the stairwell and told us they were on the phone with my grandmother who had fallen at our home.  She could not get up and thought she had broken something.  Bruce heads out immediately.  Upon reaching her Bruce realized that it wasn't safe for him to try to get her up and he had to call an ambulance.  Well, Gma did break something.  Her left humorus.  Meanwhile, friends were making sure our children were cared for, videoing our children singing, giving me a ride to get a vehicle so I could take said children home and offering to help in any way.  We are truly blessed by our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Long and absurd story shortened, Gma was released from hospital and then taken by ambulance to the ER a second time, admitted to hospital, and finally to inpatient rehab.

After getting Gma settled into rehab and taking care of necessary things in addition to family Christmas, I realized that I was receiving a time of respite.  Despite Gma's husband, Chuck's trip to the ER on Christmas Eve things were a little quieter at home.  We weren't doing schoolwork.  I had to stay at home so that Chuck wasn't home alone.  With no school and no Gma at my house I was being given the perfect opportunity for projects!  I made a long list of household projects that I had not been able to get to. 

End of year stuff and subsequent computer and Quickbooks backup
Balance 4 checkbooks
Prepare for my new scrapbooking adventure
Find the best place for the big girls' hanging clothes since they don't have a closet
Under the purge and organize category:

• computer desk/bookcase/business filing cabinet
• school room
• coupons
• sunroom (currently big girls' bedroom a.k.a Lego heaven)
• my bedroom
• Madelynn's bedroom
• homeschool association stuff
• shoe closet

(Gma comes home in 4 days and I have about 4 1/2 projects left...)

res·pite

[res-pit] noun, verb, res·pit·ed, res·pit·ing.

noun

1.a delay or cessation for a time, especially of anything distressing or trying; an interval of relief: to toil without respite.

3.to relieve temporarily, especially from anything distressing or trying; give an interval of relief from.

Don't get me wrong, I still had tons of other things to do too, but I had not realized how time consuming it was to have Gma at our house especially during school time.  I felt I could breathe.  I honed in on my projects with the help of my 18 month old, of course.  She's quite helpful!  I also enjoyed catching up on some reading and catching up with friends.  Even though I was beginning to feel slightly bummed about being "stuck" at home, I took advantage of my time.  God was giving me rest.  He was redeeming my time.  Gma was in safe hands.  I was in God's hands, thankful for my respite.

 

Ketchup, mustard, and glue

Recently read a book called Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst.  It's about making godly decisions in the midst of raw emotions.  In the two months it took me to read the book, I had lots of opportunities to practice godly decisions in the midst of raw emotion.  God's timing is perfect and I needed the overall message of this book just as I was reading it.  Time to put the principles into action because no wants to see me go to the ketchup and mustard place.  That's right, the ketchup and mustard place.

During the process of moving my grandmother and her husband into our home there were countless physically and emotionally draining moments.   Emotionally, not just because it was a major family adjustment but also because of the nature of the relationship (or lack thereof) with my grandmother.  Physically, because of packing up their house and moving everything around in ours.  We put our big girls in our sunroom and gave Gma and Chuck a bedroom each.  Most of Gma and Chuck's possessions are in storage (or the dump!!) and a few of our things are also in storage.  Deciding what would come to our home and what needed to be stored was exhausting.  Especially exhausting was all of the paperwork.  When I say paperwork I mean drawers and drawers and drawers and cabinets and drawers worth.  Their record keeping (or lack thereof) was maddening to decipher.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what taking care of their affairs, medicines, appointments and being their advocate looks like and requires.  To say that I was overwhelmed with the addition of even the smallest box or piece of paper would be an understatement.  I would laughingly tell my husband and parents that nothing else was to come to our house.  They would laugh, but we all knew that more was coming.  But I meant it.  I was coming unglued.   I told my husband not to bring anything else to our house.  Nothing.  Nothing!  He was so kind and sensitive to me and did his very best to support his crazy wife.  One day,  he innocently mentioned that in Gma's fridge was an extra ketchup and mustard...could he bring them to our fridge when I was ready.

I said, with tears, no.  Nothing meant nothing.  Did I know that I was overreacting?  Yes.  Did it matter that, as a couponer, I can be giddy about cheap or free condiments?  NO.  Too much.  Ketchup and mustard broke the proverbial straw.   I was unglued.  And my sweet husband knew that he did not have the glue to put humpty dumpty back together again.  I needed God.  I need God.  Obviously I was not upset about ketchup and mustard.  I was processing the changes we were making.  I was stressed out and felt like I was drowning and didn't even have time to reach for The Life Preserver. 

Throughout Lysa's book she reminds you that "feelings are indicators, not dictators".   "Holy restraint is the seed that produces the fruit of self-control."  "I'm reminded in the Bible that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  When my happy gets bumped, what's really going on in my heart is on display.  In those times I will either add to the authenticity of my love for Jesus or, sadly, negate it." 

Wow! But with God, there is always a way to make beauty from ashes.  Lysa says, "He allows the unglued moments to make us aware of the chiseling that needs to be done."

As painful as this growing, chiseling, refining, and pruning from the LORD can be, it brings me closer to Him.  He gives me rest.  He is my refuge.  He is my ever present help in times of trouble, including when ketchup and mustard are just too much! 

I do not have it all together.  You know what? I never will.  And that's okay!  What's important is that I walk through this life together... 

Together with my heavenly Father.
Together with my husband.
Together with my children.
Together with my family.
Together with my friends.
Together with my neighbors.
Together with my enemies.

with the help of a little Heavenly Glue, of course!

Grace

Grace.  It's my oldest child's middle name.  And, boy, do we both need it!   I absolutely love the hands-on lessons God teaches me through parenting my children.  Usually when I'm lecturing teaching my children about God's best for them I hear that still, small voice that is speaking those same words (only better) into my soul.  I've attempted much character training as the-blind-leading-the-blind.  I mess up in being patient, kind, loving, forgiving, etc. while I'm encouraging my kids how to produce the fruit of the Spirit.

I sinned against my oldest a week or so ago in an ugly-scary-momma kinda way.  As she sat on the bed crying,  we discussed that mommy had sinned in her anger and that mommy was wrong.  I asked her to forgive me, and for a very long 4 or 5 seconds she just continued looking down at the bed.  I held my breath.  She finally looked up at me smiling, arms spread and ready for hug and said, "Always, mommy!"  Now that's pretty awesome.  Grace extended to me by my 9 year old when I didn't deserve it.  How much more does my Father in heaven lavish me with His grace and mercy.  He's the Potter and I'm the stubborn clay.

I'm a mess.  A mess that God loves.  A mess that my children love.  A mess that God is, praise His name, not finished with.

Kasen

I am so excited to have the opportunity to give a gift to my sister.  I presented her with a fun and easy way to preserve memories.  I had fun working on the first page of this scrapbook with the help of a pro, Mandy!  The book starts off with a handwritten letter to my nephew, Kasen...

Kasen,

You are here!  And you are precious.  Oh, how you have been prayed for.  I don't know at what point in your journey that you will read this but I pray my words will bless your heart.  You are only four months old but you have already stolen many hearts.  To gaze into your big, bright eyes is to know that there is a God in heaven.  A God who knit you together and brought you into this world for a purpose.  You see, while you are the first from your mother's womb that I have held, you are not the first I have loved.  You have two siblings awaiting in eternity.  My arms have ached to hold them.  Your parents' arms have ached and longed to hold them and look into their eyes.  But, Jesus needed to hold them first.  I know that one day they will greet me.  They will greet your parents.  I pray they will greet you as well.  God has set eternity in our hearts.  He has given us the opportunity to accept His Son as our savior so that we can worship Him as King of kings and LORD of Lords forever and ever.  When the Spirit calls you, listen.  Your path will be made straight and your burdens shared with Jesus.  I want nothing more for you than for you to love the Lord your God with all your heart.

You have my love and support, always.  I love your parents.  Your mom is an inspiration to me.  I am proud of her and I pray you will be as well.  I know that she is cherishing each moment with you.  You can hug her as often as you want to.  She has held you and rocked you and watched you grow.  When you were born I wept.  I wept with such joy.  I wept that your beautiful mother was finally holding the fruit of her labor.

You are wanted.   You are loved.  You are cherished.

Love,  Aunt Lilli

Cleaning

I'm a cleaner.  Now, this doesn't mean that you can come to my house and not find dirt, clutter or dust!!!  I just like things clean and enjoy making them so, especially on Thursdays.  Thursdays are bathrooms, dusting, vacuum bedrooms and mopping day.  When do I vacuum the rest of the house you might ask...well, usually 5 times a week.  Some people would call that O.C.D. but I don't believe in labeling.  ;-)   Anyway.  For my birthday, drum roll please, I got a steam cleaner!  I took my birthday money and ordered something I've wanted for a looooong time.  Can I just say that I am over the moon for my new steam cleaner?  I picked one that detaches from the mop pole and has all kinds of attachments so you can travel around cleaning like a wild woman!  And, I have.  I had the best time cleaning everything I could get to.  (you have to try out all the attachments to make sure they work, right?)  I have steam cleaned baseboards, walls, doors, doorknobs, ceiling fans, countertops, nooks, crannies and even the agitator in the washing machine.  Am I the only person out there that cleans machines that themselves have the purpose of cleaning?  I mean, sometimes you need to vacuum out your vacuum.  I'm starting to sound O.C.D. so I better move on.

Despite how shiny and sterilized my doorknobs are, they will become covered with dirt and grime again and again no matter how much I wear out the steam cleaner.   Cleaning, de-cluttering, and freshening are not one-time deals, at least not if you want to maintain a clean and de-cluttered environment.  Cue segue.  Keeping your heart and mind clean and de-cluttered is not a one-time deal.  It's continual.  It's constant.  If you really want to ask God to search your heart and show you anything that doesn't look like Him, be ready for some deep cleaning.  God, if we are willing, will use all the "attachments" He has to get into our nooks and crannies.  He has the power to cleanse and not just sterilize but to sanctify.  Jesus will do in your heart only what you ask of Him.  May we desire regular maintenance of our hearts as well as some deep cleaning, even if it creates some steam! 

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Recently I tasked my oldest girls with some creative writing assignments.  I told them to write about life since Grandma and her husband have moved in.  Whatever they wanted to say as long as they were honest.  My purpose was to have them be reflective and to draw out any potential issues.  I am trying to be very mindful of any potentially harmful effects on them during this season.  Charlotte, whose servant heart humbles and amazes me, had me in tears with her completed assignment.  Me telling you won't do her pure and simple words justice.  I will show you.

I don't think, in this case, Jesus minds some misspelled words!

Here's an extra peek into Charlotte's heart just for fun! 

She's been studying Revelation!

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  Matthew 19:14

My Isabelle. My joy!

It's Isabelle's birthday month.  That's right, we celebrate birthday months around here.  I love birthdays and celebrations.  It is hard to believe that my sweet Isabelle will be 9 years old on the 23rd.  9.  The last single digit year I get with her.  I am cherishing this time I have with her.   Because our family is often all together, I don't seem to get a lot of one-on-one time with my big girls unless it's for schoolwork.  So, when the opportunity arises for a one-on-one date night, we go!

Isabelle and some other music students played for the residents of a local nursing home.  Isabelle played two piano pieces and did very well.  She's gifted.  When we were done, I knew that if I offered for just she and I to go have dessert somewhere, she would be thrilled.  She finds joy in the little things.  She's good at rejoicing.  I mentioned going out for dessert.  Well, that was it.  Big eyes and a big grin told me that that was exactly what we were doing.  Now, where to go?  She thought about a blizzard but I told her that we could go sit down at a restaurant and order dessert.  Hmm...she had never done that so she had lots of questions because she wanted the experience and dessert to be just as good as a blizzard at D.Q.  I suggested Ruby Tuesday and she decided she would try it.

Oh, my!

That child read the dessert menu and descriptions aloud with such dynamic that anyone's palette would grow anxious.  She carefully pondered her options (she's like her momma that way) and after the waiter's 3rd attempt to take her order she had decided.  Double chocolate cake with creamy vanilla ice cream.  We did "cheers" with our cups of water and dug in.  She was glowing from the whole experience.  She said, "wow, I didn't know the dessert would look so pretty or taste so good."

My big girl ordered her very first grown up dessert in a real restaurant.  She was grinning from ear to ear.  Elated.  Full of joy.  It was contagious.  I couldn't help but smile and giggle with her.  She's ready to do it again.  And I know it's not just for the dessert so I look forward to next time as much as she does.  How fun.  What a blessing she is to me.  She is often my mirror, reflecting my imperfections a little too clearly.  We are teaching each other.  We understand each other.

Joy in the little things.  Sometimes that's what life is about.  That, and a little double chocolate cake!

So proud of my almost 9 year old.  Happy Birthday Month, honey!

I am proud of you!!

Christmas, lights, and me

I love, love, love Christmas time.  It is actually my most favorite time of the year.  I have very fond memories of family time together, listening to Christmas music, enjoying the lights at Callaway Gardens since their beginning, Christmas cantatas led by my Daddy, Pop & Granny's...ahh, Pop & Granny's.  My most favorite place to be as a child.  Miss them so much!

I could listen to Christmas music all the time.  If I had the room, I would keep a tree up all year long because I so enjoy the lights.  I'm a lights kinda girl.  We put approximately 1500-2000 lights on our tree each year.  Oh yeah, and the tree goes up on November 16th, my birthday.  I'm such a stickler for that that I had my husband promise that, if I died, he would continue to put up the tree on my birthday.  How morbid is that!  ;-)  I also tell people that my place in Heaven will be the one lit up with beautiful lights.  I'm just drawn to light.  I love to just lie beneath the tree and stare up at all the lights.  I don't care about lots of presents (although I do love a good gift).  Just the gathering and reflecting.   I just want everyone together and having fun even though the electricity bill is going up because of all my lights! 

All that to say, I'm struggling this year.  Struggling with celebrating, with consumerism, with what our culture has turned Christmas into.  And with what Christians have supported and gone along with.  Now, please don't hear any of the following words as judgmental but as me sharing my heart, and if God has something in the words for you, then they were worth me sharing.

My tree didn't go up on my birthday this year for many reasons.  We had just moved my grandmother and her husband into our home and we were leaving for a trip to KY for 2 weeks and, I'm just struggling.  I told my husband that I didn't care if the tree went up at all this year.  He fears I've been replaced by an alien.   The tree is up now and it's beautiful.  I've always enjoyed the lit tree and never let this culture spoil or taint what I have kept pure in my heart.  I'm not sure if my heart is now tainted or if God is changing my heart but I believe it is the latter.  What is this season about?  Yes, it's about Jesus' birth.  Let's all gather around Luke chapter 2 and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas.  But, have we missed it?

Gift giving, of itself, is beautiful.  Jesus is God's gift to us.  His truth.  His forgiveness.  So, I have no problem with taking delight in providing for another's need or desire.  But I don't think that is always what is happening underneath all the packages and bows.  Unfortunately many gifts are given out of obligation, duty, or pity.  Some are given under the guise of fantasy and pretend gone a muck (for the record, I encourage imagination and pretending as long as reality is recognized for what it is.  May the credit and glory for the blessings in your life go to the One from whose hands they come!). Some gifts may be given with the thought that the more you spend, or the-bigger-the-better, the more love you are demonstrating.  I am glad that, in God's perfect timing, He demonstrated His love for us in that while we were still sinners...  He came.  Not with pomp and circumstance but softly, tenderly, humbly, quietly, perfectly, The Word among men.

Immanuel.  Immanuel.  God with us.  God.  Creator.  Communicator.  Omnipotent.  Sovereign.  LORD of lords and KING of kings humbled Himself and came to be. with. us.  Among us.  God with us.  Jesus.  If you know Him, He is with us not just in December but always.  By Him and through Him all things were created.  Becoming more like Him.  That's what this life is all about.  As we become more like Him, we shine His light into this world's darkness.   He is Truth.  He is the Light of the world.  Did I mention that I love lights?  I pray that I'm drawn to the Light more than anything else.  The things of this earth really do grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.  And not just during this season of cyber deals and door busters but year round.  We have the opportunity to be a city on a hill.  A light that cannot be hidden and that leads to Jesus. 

I don't know how the Lord will manifest Himself in your life but will you come with me and lie at His feet to behold the Light of the world?

Journey

Life's journey can be inspiring, saddening, encouraging, scary, and...beautiful.  Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.  The key is perspective. 

My journey has crossed paths with many influential people.  Some influences are positive and some are negative.  Paths can cross for years, months, days or even just moments.  During my recent trip to Kentucky, I was able to enjoy precious moments with many people whose influence on my life has been significant to say the least.

I got to eat with Audrey, talk with Audrey, hug Audrey, drink coffee with Audrey, and did I mention eat? ;-)  Love me some Audrey (and her family)!!  I miss her terribly but all is well with kindrid souls be they near or far!

My family got to spend time with "The Harpers".  They are, well, family to us and we are always blessed by and at ease in their presence.   I think a Hewett-Harper vacation is necessary in the future!!

We visited my Aunt Vivian and got to meet Katie's beautiful daughter, Charleigh.  Watching Aunt Vivian be a Grammy is delightful especially knowing she once was blind but now has the sight to behold her granddaughter's expressions.  Garrett came by to say hello.  Our paths first crossed when I first carried him in my arms and now...he can carry my children around. Now that's a journey that makes me feel old!

I had an amazing afternoon full of words, tears, and joy with my Uncle James.    He and his family have profoundly affected my journey.  Uncle James is a beautiful soul.    We poured out our hearts and, as always, I walked away enriched and filled with things to ponder on for years to come. 

The impact others have on my life is based on perspective.  Thank you Lord for this journey and those who share it with me whether to teach, encourage, sharpen, or refresh.   I hope that even as I travel the difficult parts of my journey I can focus on Jesus and see my influences through His eyes.