Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Playing the Fool

So far, this week month is coming close to putting me in the funny farm...thankfully, Grandma's Home Health therapists and nurses have not felt led to call DFACS upon leaving my house!  ;-) 

God's strength and grace are sufficient!  So why is it that there are moments my attitude doesn't reflect that truth???  Because sometimes I play the fool.  The Bible has much to say about fools...

My frustration and weariness over being constantly talked to or needed by someone is overwhelming me right now.  I JUST NEED 10 MINUTES ALL BY MYSELF WHERE NO ONE CAN NEED ME!!!  I don't know about you but when my insides start screaming this message, my outside soon reflects it.   Now, while some time alone to refresh can be beneficial, most of this message coming from within my heart is full of selfishness.  (Right now, my toddler who has only cried when put down for a nap maybe twice in the last year is crying...really, Lord?  really?  Totally not what I want right now.  Nap time is for ME!...and she only naps about 45-60 minutes...that can't be too much to ask)  You hear the selfishness there? I do.  Loud and clear.

I can't believe how hard this dying to the flesh stuff is.  How constant.  And how diligent I must be in my walk with the Lord.  I just need a break!  Well, the promises within God's word for breaks or strength or lifted burdens don't say "turn to yourself" or "take time for yourself" or "you deserve a break"...on the contrary, to have our head and spirit lifted, we are to look away from ourselves.  Time away from the demands of this life is not about us.  It's about receiving what God has for us so we can get on with the Father's business. The focus is to always be on Jesus.  He puts our circumstances into perspective.  He tells us to keep going ("keep going" was the message of my morning devotion and this should have been my first clue to the kind of day I would have).  He reminds us of His sovereignty.  He holds us and loves us.  We can't experience His awesome love unless we are looking at Him, relying on Him, focusing on Him, listening to Him.

So, here I go...I shall take my 10+ minutes all by myself and somehow end up in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru (I can't help it that the Physical Therapist came at lunch time which happened to coincide with my meltdown).   I begin crying.  Releasing. And then unloading.  Now, I'm a big fan of honesty...the Lord knows what is in our hearts and I'm not afraid to go to Him with my messy heart.  But I was angry.  I was ranting.  Wait a minute...the Spirit has been preparing me for this.  "Stop", He says.  "Remember the verse I gave you a couple days ago?"  A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.  Proverbs 29:11  (Isn't it just like God to be right?!?)  Apparently, full venting of one's anger is not productive and certainly not biblical.  The Bible has much to say against anger. 

Just what I want to hear when I'm venting.

Okay, so it actually is what I want to hear when I'm venting, or sinning in any way.  God's voice.

He speaks to me!  To me.  A fool.  My heart wanders.  My faults abound.  My selfish flesh is strong.  But, there is a God in Heaven!  I am His child.  He will guide and direct my paths.  He will strengthen me.  He will be my joy.  He will be my portion.  Kinda sounds like this life should be all about Him...

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