My heart has been confused and hurting and pondering many things recently.
I have felt incapable of putting much of it into words and I still can't. Some things are between my heart and the heart of my Savior because He understands when I don't have words. That's why the only thing I have been able to blog about recently has been us getting ready to move. Even our move has me in some deep thinking...but that's not why I'm sharing today...
I'm not exactly sure what or why I'm sharing today at all...maybe just to see some of what is in my head and heart in black in white...
I realized recently that I didn't truly grieve the death of my Grandma's husband. I think because of not really being able to pinpoint what kind of relationship I had with him and the complete, intense fog I was in during the time of caring for him during his last days.
Another relationship of mine painfully shifted from active to something I don't have a word for and still don't understand. Jesus is preparing my heart to have peace in this.
There is a family situation that breaks. my. heart.
I am still having trouble helping my children try to make sense of someone rejecting Jesus because I don't understand it either.
I don't want my desire to live simply and debt free to become my idol because even good things can become idols...and I think idols that are "good" are the most dangerous and damaging to our relationship with the Lord.
I am struggling in some areas that, as my childhood report cards would say, need improvement.
I am re-learning how to find alone time with Jesus with an infant and a toddler that no longer naps!
My time with Jesus is precious and necessary and looks different during different seasons of life. 2013 was filled with much loss and pain and stretching and major changes. I thought that what I needed was for the storms to end...for me to have time for uninterrupted mountain-top-with-God time. I often longed for time to pray longer and more deeply. What I didn't realize during survival mode was that I was having intense time with Jesus. Those moments in the middle of the night, those moments alone during short car trips from one hospital or hospice room to another, those moments where all I could do was ask of the Lord, "why" or "how much more can I take", the moments spent traveling during times of loss, and the moments of surrendering and trusting were actually more precious than I can describe.
In the aftermath of the stormy year, I began to look around and realized that I was in quite a spiritual funk...I missed the Lord of the storm...I felt so far away from Him. I had been thinking that I wasn't close to Him during the storms because my spiritual connection didn't look a certain way. I couldn't truly appreciate how close I was to Him during the difficulties because I apparently had a "time with Jesus" box attitude. Now, I know God doesn't fit in any box I can conjure up but there I found myself, conjuring away.
I was, oh, so close to Him during the storms because He was, oh, so close to me. He is faithful to me and my ever wandering heart.
Instead of wishing for a different season with Jesus, I'm going to ask Him for growth and grace for the one I'm in. I'm going to ask Him to help me recognize His presence whether it is palpable because of the pain I am in or it is sweet because I'm holding my newborn son, and every season in between.
So, while I am sorting through some things in my head and my heart, I pray I notice and feel and praise Him and trust Him more.
I praise Him for His willingness to use me, a broken vessel.
While I don't long for more of life's storms I know now how sweet that time was and I do still find myself missing the palpable presence that kept me breathing.
I felt His presence while hiding in a closet today. Having a wonky day, my sweet husband took me aside to pray over me. We tried to hide from the kiddos so we could pray together and ended up in Madelynn's closet and then the 3 girls came in there to play. We continued with our prayer time in the closet, whispering our prayer while trying not to laugh at the girls playing together not knowing we were in there. A sweet prayer with a man who wants more with God for himself and for me and our family...in a closet...the Lord is sweet.
This afternoon my almost 3 year old invited me out into the yard with her to enjoy some honeysuckle. She picked honeysuckle and asked me to sit in the grass with her. It's very hard to refuse her when she's cute and sweet. :) So, I sat. She talked and brought me honeysuckle to share. She asked to sit in my lap. After sitting for a moment she said, "I'm okay now because I have my mommy". How sweet and precious. How tear-jerking!!!
How much more does my heavenly Father love when I crawl up in His lap and say, "I'm okay now because I have my Jesus"?
Through the things I don't understand. Through the things that break my heart. Through the things that make my heart sing. Through the things that confuse me. Through the joy and the sorrow I know I will be okay. Why?
Because I have my Jesus.