The past year or so has stretched me beyond anything I could have imagined. Sometimes, I just want to be done with the stretching, pruning, refining and rest. Being a full-time caregiver to my grandparents while trying to care for my own family has been challenging. Continuing that care beyond our household has been different but not without its own challenges. Watching Grandma's husband be diagnosed with lung cancer and telling him that his body was failing was quite difficult. One day shy of 2 months. That's how long Chuck was with us after his diagnosis. It felt much, much longer. In and out of the hospital and then at a Hospice House for 5 weeks and finally under Hospice care at the Nursing Home for 1 week. Watching him go up and down for weeks... Watching him breathe... Watching for signs that he was ready to seek God's salvation... Hearing of Chuck's thumbs-up, praying to ask Jesus into his heart... Watching my Grandma begin to grieve, still wanting no talk of her own need for a Savior... Being there when Chuck took his last breath...with my children...pondering God's perfect timing... Rejoicing that Chuck's body is healed and his suffering has truly ended instead of just beginning...
Wondering what it's really like in Heaven. This is not something I fret over but I do occasionally wonder. I trust that God has it all under control.
Chuck's death was on the anniversary of Grandma falling and breaking her arm at our house. Grandma fell on 12-12-12 and Chuck passed away on 12-12-13... had me thinking about 12's.
In this twelfth month of 2013, I once thought I would be caring for and loving on a 12 week old. Instead, I am planning to care for and love another in the next 12 weeks. Again, I am pondering God's perfect timing. My heart aches to know that God's handi-work on the life in my womb began after His knitting together of another life stopped. He is Sovereign. He is trustworthy. Even if there's no "baby's first Christmas" this year. Even if I hurt. Even if I question. Even as I wait to hold my 2 babies.
Yet, as I wait I rejoice. I rejoice that He does have everything under control. I rejoice that His timing is perfect. I rejoice that He has allowed me the privilege of carrying life.